“I can’t stop picturing it”: intrusive images after discovering an affair, and how EMDR can help

You found the messages, or someone told you, or you saw something you can't unsee. Since then your mind keeps showing you pictures. Some are of things you know happened. Others your imagination has filled in. They turn up while you're cooking, at work, at 3am, and often at the worst possible moment, when you're trying to feel close to your partner again.

I hear this a lot from clients. Nearly all of them worry they're going mad or becoming obsessed. You're not. This is what happens when the brain has been through something traumatic.

Why can't I stop picturing my partner's affair?

Finding out about an affair can be a real trauma. It takes away your sense of safety and your trust in your own judgement, along with the version of your life you thought you were living. Your nervous system responds as it would to any threat. I've written more about this in EMDR for betrayal trauma: healing after affairs and divorce.

When something overwhelming happens, the brain often can't file it away like an ordinary memory. It stays raw, with all the emotion still attached. The images, the sick feeling in your stomach and the pounding heart all come back together, as if it's happening now. Your mind keeps bringing it up because it's still trying to make sense of it.

Alongside the images, you might be checking their phone, struggling to sleep, feeling jumpy, or getting knocked sideways by a song or a place or a date. None of this means you're weak or failing to move on. These are common reactions to betrayal trauma.

Why hasn't talking about it helped?

Many people tell me they've gone over it again and again with friends, with their partner, or with a counsellor. They understand what happened, yet the pictures keep coming.

Understanding something in your head doesn't always reach the part of the brain that's holding the trauma. You can know you're safe now and still have your body react as though you're finding out all over again. If you're wondering how this differs from counselling, have a look at EMDR vs talk therapy.

What is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. It's a trauma therapy recommended by NICE and the World Health Organization, and it was developed to help the brain process memories that have got stuck. There's a fuller explanation in What is EMDR therapy? A complete guide.

In a session, you bring the distressing image to mind for a short time while following a set of eye movements. Sometimes we use tapping or alternating sounds instead. You don't have to describe every painful detail out loud, and you can stop at any point.

How does EMDR help with the images?

Holding a painful image in mind while doing the eye movements tends to make it less vivid and less intense. Over a number of sessions, the memory gets processed and stored more like an ordinary memory. You still know what happened, but it stops ambushing you. (If you're wondering how many sessions, see how long does EMDR take to work?)

Clients often describe the image going fuzzy, or seeming further away. It stops popping up uninvited, and when they do think about it, their body doesn't go into panic. The painful beliefs that came with the discovery often ease too, beliefs like "I'm not enough", "I should have seen it" or "I'll never feel safe again".

EMDR works on the imagined pictures as well as the real ones. The scenes your mind has created can be just as distressing, and they respond to the same process.

Does this mean I have to forgive them or stay?

No. EMDR doesn't make any decisions for you, and it doesn't make what happened acceptable. It calms the constant flooding so you can think clearly about what you want. That might be rebuilding the relationship, ending it, or simply getting your life back. Many people find that once the images lose their grip, a decision that felt impossible becomes much clearer.

When betrayal opens up older wounds

An affair often hits something much older. If you were let down, abandoned or lied to earlier in life, especially as a child, a partner's betrayal can reopen that wound. EMDR can work with those earlier experiences as well, and that's often where the deepest change happens. You can read more about this in why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners? and on my complex trauma and EMDR page.

Getting help

You don't have to keep living with these pictures. I've worked with trauma and relationships for over 17 years and I'm a trained EMDR therapist. I see clients online across the UK and in person in Leeds. You can find out more about me, or about EMDR intensives if you'd prefer to work in a more concentrated way.

If you'd like to talk about whether EMDR could help you, you can book an appointment with me here.

If you're struggling to cope, please speak to your GP as well. If you're in crisis, you can call Samaritans any time on 116 123.